


Being upon the dreaded nature of the Brazilian Merciless Dancing Centipede

by Broba



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-21
Updated: 2012-02-21
Packaged: 2017-10-31 12:38:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/344144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broba/pseuds/Broba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is more-or-less a followup to PLATONIC BONDING, and is set in the same loose AU cycle.</p><p>Karkat simply can't take a break! Which means, his boyfriend has to insist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being upon the dreaded nature of the Brazilian Merciless Dancing Centipede

Karkat had been ranting all evening. This was a proper hate-bender, he was oozing with bile and dribbling venom. For the last week it had seemed that nothing pleased him, everything was wrong, wrong wrong and he had no compunction about explaining why in detail. Frankly, it was driving John completely mental. Even Dad admitted, in private moments, that the troll was starting to get right on his last nerve.  
  
John had taken to just leaving his bedroom and letting Karkat take over the space, going to sleep on the living room couch. If Dad had known about that, he would have been annoyed, which meant John had to creep back to bed in the early hours before Dad stirred. Karkat would happily stay up all night only to collapse with the dawn, curling in a ball on top of the covers and snoring noisily for hours. He would claim that this nocturnal lifestyle suited him better, but John noticed the rings around his eyes and the way he would sometimes make sounds in his sleep. Sometimes John could swear he was whimpering. Surely even a troll had limits to the amount of bile they could spew, the amount of upset they could process, the level of disappointment they could espouse? Karkat's problem was, he felt responsible for all the others. He cajoled them constantly, he would pore over their resumes and drill them mercilessly on interview technique. He was practically running their Earth-lives, to the detriment of his own. All of them had found things different and difficult, but of all of them only Karkat had taken those difficulties as some kind of personal affront as if he felt it a personal failure they had not integrated completely by now.  
  
for this reason, John had turned to his friends for advice. Oddly it had been Jade who had been able to provide him with the most practical and immediate solution. He was nervous and sweating as he approached his own bedroom door, from behind which the sound of angry, capitalised typing rattled out. He looked down at what he held in his hands and felt a sense of betrayal. It was for Karkat's own good, he told himself. Jade had promised him that it wouldn't hurt and never failed, but she had to admit it had never been used on a troll before. He opened the long, narrow box which was carved in looping intricate whorls that were darkened with some thick black dye to stand out against the ruddy wood surface. Inside, was a simple wooden tube, decorated like the box. John took a deep breath and pushed the door open.  
  
"Busy, fuckass!" Karkat roared over his shoulder without looking, waving a hand irritably in his direction.  
  
That was when John put the tube to his lips and shot Karkat with a dart that had been dipped in the poison of a dreaded Brazilian Merciless Dancing Centipede. Karkat just stared at him. It was all he could do, as his muscles seized up. He slowly keeled over onto the floor with a rigid thud. John dropped the blowpipe and ran to Karkat's immobile form, tugging and grunting. He really hadn't thought this through, he now began to realise. He managed to manhandle Karkat onto the bed, a surprisingly difficult task when his limbs would not move, and got his mobile phone, dialling while reading the numbers under his breath, as was his habit.  
  
"Um, okay I think I did a bit of a, uh it's a bad thing. Okay, so I thought Karkat should relax a bit you know? He's been pushing so hard, it's not good for him! And that's why I shot him up with the poison of the Brazilian Merciless Dancing Centipede..."  
  
He paused, listening to his phone.  
  
"Centipede, yes. No, no I think... no listen... I don't think it actually dances, I think they just call them that because they look like... it doesn't matter! Look, he's paralysed alright? I thought it was just going to knock him out for a while, but I think he's still awake and," John glanced at the bed, "he's going to be so angry when he can move again! Can you come over? I mean, you have to right? It's like, your job or something?"  
  
The voice at the other end agreed that it was kind of his job, and he would be right over.  
  
In half an hour, Karkat was still rigid, but John through that he was regaining enough control to glare balefully. He had been experimenting with trying to blink Karkat's eyes for him, but he suspected he was only making things worse for himself later on. He heard a van pull up outside and judder to a halt, and looked up with a happy cry. At last!  
  
Dad went to get the door when the bell went, and smiled when he saw who it was. Gamzee stood there, limbs gangling in the breeze. He held up a hand and grinned slowly but widely. It took a while to spread, but was absolutely honest.  
  
"Hey there, Dadbert, how's a motherfucker doing this fine night?"  
"Ah, Gamzee hello!" Dad insisted on shaking hands, Gamzee liked the idea and kept it going for a while, occasionally swapping hands.  
  
He was dressed in his shabby jeans and the t-shirt that his job at the local pizza parlour had given him, and between his horns he had stuffed the baseball cap with the pizza-slice logo.  
  
"Won't you come in, Gamzee? What brings you down to the old ranch?"  
"I'm here to see to my best friend, on account of a centipede poisoning business and whatnot."  
Dad just nodded sagely and refilled his pipe, "Well, I'm sure you kids know what you're talking about. How are you keeping there boy, you look as thin as two sticks tied together!"  
  
Gamzee looked at him with a wry, sidewards gaze, "Well let me tell you one time, my main Mister Dee, I ain't doing too bad even though I had to skip dinner tonight on account of the things and the times."  
"Well I won't hear another word about it! You sit tight and let me knock you up a snack, I'm sure I have half a pie cooling in the Frigidaire, you still like my pie Gamzee?"  
  
Gamzee practically twinkled at him as he folded himself into an armchair, nodding happily. He looked as if someone had told him that everything was going to be fucking in clover from now on and nothing would ever hurt again, for real. John ran down and moved right up close as soon as Dad was gone into the kitchen for a good bustle, he planted his hands on the arm of Gamzee's chair and looked like he was going to bounce right out of a window any moment.  
  
"Thanks for coming! I'm so-o sorry for calling on you like this, I just didn't know who else would help out you know?"  
Gamzee held up a hand lazily and shrugged, one bony shoulder at a time, "It's not even a thing little human-man, when your moirail is tripping balls on centipede venom, you fuckin' drop your shit and come running each time. Besides, I have been led to believe there will be pie."  
"There's no time for pie!"  
Gamzee swivelled to regard John slowly. "Little dude," he said slowly, "when there's no time for pie you might as well just pack up an' go home 'cause the show's over. O-ver."  
  
"Well said!" Called Dad as he returned with a plate. He had artfully arranged segments of pie in a stack, with a drizzle of cold cream between each layer. It was a thing of beauty, a vertical sculpture in pastry and fruit fillings. Gamzee looked like he would start to cry any moment. How he maintained his figure when he took any excuse to visit and indulge Dad's wildest pie-based fantasies was a mystery.  
  
When John finally cajoled, dragged, pushed and persuaded Gamzee up to his room Karkat was just starting to recover. He could blink, and thought with effort he could manage a frown. Gamzee slid into the room sideways and clapped his hands, "Showtime!"  
  
Gamzee slid an arm under Karkat and shifted him into a more comfortable position effortlessly. John was a little taken aback at the easy way he laid hands on Karkat, and was suddenly very aware just how strong the troll was. He was a long thin drink of liquorice but Karkat was like a doll in his hands. When he was apparently satisfied he turned and smiled broadly at John.  
  
"Hey, Egbert."  
"Uhm?"  
"When was the last time we talked yo, just you an' me?"  
"Well we talk quite often don't we?"  
"Na-a-a-ah man, I mean, just us, not with Karkles here," he patted Karkat on the tummy, "all yellin' it up in the middle. We should jam like this more, it's a good thing."  
  
John smiled weakly, but he couldn't quite reciprocate the sentiment. It was the way Gamzee was around Karkat, like he had every right to just touch him or pat him or worry about him. John knew full well that it was different to trolls, and what Karkat shared with Gamzee was very different to what he had with John, but still. It occurred to John that he had never felt entirely comfortable around Gamzee, not that the trolls lent themselves to casual socialisation as he thought of it. Despite this, when he needed help he knew in his heart that Gamzee was the right number to dial.  
  
Gamzee was looking at him. Just staring. It weirded John out somewhat, Gamzee had no sense of self-consciousness at all. If something made him curious, he just stared and stared at it.  
  
"Well," John said, he found his voice was weaker then he would have liked, "I was hoping you would know some way to help him relax," he trailed off. It sounded so stupid now he said it. Gamzee just patted him on the head and held up one finger with a flourish, like a clown producing a bunch of flowers.  
"I gots an idea man. I needa go check my van, you get Karkat's clothes off, yeah?"  
"Uh, what?"  
"Well I figured you should do it, you're his matesprit and all."  
"Hey uh,"  
"Mm?"  
"Did he say that? That I was, you know,"  
  
Gamzee just grinned lopsidedly, he had a lopsided grin for every occasion, and slouched out. When he returned he found a neat pile of Karkat's clothing, with the enraged troll discreetly hidden by a blanket. He passed a large plastic bottle to John, he had two more under his arms.  
  
"What's this?"  
"Sopor. We gonna just rub it on. I seen the way you humans sleep, and I figure a little slime bath is just the ticket. Go ahead, just rub it right on, it's good stuff man! I always keep the best shit, yo."  
  
John peeled back the blanket to expose Karkat's chest. The troll was just staring up at him with an unreadable expression. He at least was not frowning, if anything John thought he looked somehow expectant, like a TV judge telling a maverick plays-by-no-rules lawyer "I'll allow it, I want to see where this is going. Just remember I won't put up with any of your gat-danged shenanigans in my night court, Magnum!" The last part John had added in his own mind, but he felt sure the sentiment applied.  
  
The sopor was thick, he had to squeeze the bottle to make it run. Where it touched his bare skin there was an odd tingle, it left his fingertips feeling duller as though he had stuck his hands in a snowdrift, but at the same time it was delightfully warming. He used his palms to spread the stuff over Karkat's chest. Gamzee watched him inscrutably, joining in when he saw John was getting the idea. They worked together in silence, spreading the slime around on Karkat, heedless to what it would do to the sheets. John was tender and careful in his application, Gamzee was more playful and occasionally licked his fingers.  
  
Karkat let out a sigh, and there was just the whisper of a sound in his throat. His outstretched arms were slowly, awkwardly and jerkily lowering. John and Gamzee both took a wrist and helped him, laying his arms by his sides. At some point, the blanket had been dispensed with. Gamzee hadn't asked, John hadn't offered, but it had just seemed right. Gamzee looked up at John proudly and did a smug little Paul McCartney head-shake.  
  
"Tole you. It's the best. I can always hook you guys up, you should give me the call more." Abruptly, he was pulling his shirt off.  
"Yeah uh, hey! What are you doing?"  
"What, I'm going to let this selfish motherfucker enjoy all my best slime and not get in on the action? Yeah but no, yeah? Come on, you should try it out human."  
  
He pulled off his jeans and John was alarmed but not surprised by what he wore beneath, he was almost relieved when Gamzee removed them. Gamzee laid down on the bed, pulling Karkat over to spoon against his slimy back. He casually ran a hand over Karkat's side and tipped a little more slime into the space between them. John had to admit, it did look awfully comfortable in a gross slimy way, and it seemed impossible to see Gamzee's presence in a sexual way. There was something different about their relationship, and he was starting to feel it. Gamzee could snuggle up to Karkat- to his Karkat- naked and slimed, and it was just so friendly and almost brotherly. John decided to jump into this thing and see how deep it went. He pulled off his clothes awkwardly, it didn't help that Gamzee was staring again in open curiosity, and Karkat just looked amused. John slid up next to Karkat, their chests touching, the slime between them, warming and numbing. John pulled Karkat's arm around him, and kissed him on the forehead. He could see Gamzee's face in the space between Karkat's horns, smiling at him.  
  
"What was that?"  
"What?"  
Gamzee mimicked a kiss, pouting his lips silently.  
"Oh, uh, it's a thing we do. Humans, I mean."  
"Here, like this," Gamzee gently placed his fingertips on Karkat's cheek and drew them down slowly, while blowing out through his teeth. "Shhh. Shooooosh."  
"Can I?"  
"Sure, go on. Motherfucker ain't complainin'."  
John gently stroked Karkat's cheek. "Sh,"  
"Shooosh."  
"Shooooosh, shoooosh."  
"You got it man, you got it."  
  
John noticed Karkat's eyes rolling up a little, his lids closing comfortably. They could both feel him take a deep breath, and let it out with a sigh that trailed at the end into a tiny whimper.  
  
"Shooosh."  
"Shoooosh."  
  
Some time over the next hour, or two, or three, the venom of the Brazilian Merciless Dancing Centipede began to wear off, or perhaps it was the slime. John found himself dozing off, he had an arm thrown over Karkat and he realised on waking that it was actually Gamzee's back he was stroking idly. Gamzee felt different, his skin was finer and softer but he had a firmer musculature beneath. John realised he had been casually touching Gamzee for a little while and flushed, but Gamzee didn't seem to notice. He was just relaxing in the throes of the slime. John let himself drift up to full wakefulness. He could feel Karkat's legs entwined with his, and a looseness in his body that indicated his muscles were moving freely again. Glancing around he suddenly realised that Gamzee was staring directly into his eyes again. He stared back. He felt like there was nothing to worry about in the world, it was just Gamzee. He felt as though in that moment he could have just spilled his guts, let out every fear and problematic thought, and Gamzee would just listen patiently. They were entirely comfortable just staring at each other, sating their curiosities about each other fully. Between them, Karkat had begun to purr softly, a sussurating rumble that came not from his throat but deeper, somewhere in his chest. John always loved it when he did that, but he never would knowingly or if he thought John would hear. John closed his eyes and drifted.  
  
When he woke again, he was flat on his back. Gamzee was finishing getting dressed, he had used a couple of towels to clean off. The slime came off in balls and sheets, when it was rubbed it became semi-solid and could be removed quite easily, the stuff was remarkable. Karkat was just sitting on the bed, running a hand through his hair.  John grunted and Karkat looked over at him.  
  
"What was all that about fuckass?"  
"You needed it, didn't you?"  
"How did you know how to do that?"  
"Gamzee really helped, and it just seemed... right."  
"Mm."  
  
Gamzee pulled himself up and stretched with a pop of spinebones. "Time to jet, I got to explain why I missed my shift at work."  
Karkat glared at him, but thought better of it and shrugged. "It's a shitty job. You can get a better one."  
"Hey fuck that, I get this sweet-ass hat an' shirt an all suchlike."  
"Ehh-h-h, well whatever, just think about it."  
"Sure will, motherfucking best friend."  
  
They heard Gamzee downstairs, chatting away happily with Dad, who wouldn't let him leave without taking some containers of pie and assorted pastries, Gamzee was as ever happy to oblige.  
  
"Hey Karkat," John asked quietly. Karkat didn't turn.  
"Yes?"  
"So, uh, Gamzee is your moirail?"  
"Mm. That's right, dunno what I did to deserve that asshole."  
"So. Would you go running after him if he called you up one day?"  
"Fuck. That's just what moirails do, don't make it into a thing, the way I already know you are."  
John giggled softly, "So you'd go racing off if he called you?"  
"Mm."  
"So. Am I really your matesprit?"  
Karkat's head bobbed down furiously between his shoulders, John could see his entire upper back tinting pink slightly. He grunted something between gritted teeth.  
"It's okay, I'm not saying it just to embarrass you, I really want to know. If that's what you feel like. I mean, you don't have to say it if you don't want to. I don't mind what we are, I like this. I like it this way, it doesn't have to be anything else if you don't want, or if you want to wait a while before you say anything about it. Karkat?"  
  
Karkat reached out and wearily ran a finger over John's lips, over his chin, down his neck, over his chest. "Shooooooosh, matesprit," he said softly, "Shoooooosh."  
  
John thought Gamzee had been pretty good, and he thought he had picked it up pretty well, but he was certain in that moment Karkat did it a whole lot better. He started to grin goofily, Karkat managed to twitch the corner of his mouth a little.


End file.
